Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Its That Time Again

by Anne

Last year 'round about this time, I un-pushed the panic button and reached a level of complacency I did not know I possessed in regards to the Buffalo Sabres pathetic shame spiral out of playoff contention.

I think my un-push is earlier than last season, actually.

Around this time last year, things were so bad Michael Funk was called up for more than one game. Michael. Funk. The Funky. Chicken.

Mike Weber was our one clinging hope for the playoffs.

I'm not even going to factor in goaltending, because that's not completely why we lost last night.

It is quite difficult to win games when our first goal is scored my Maxim Afinogenov flailing about wildly next to the post like a worm on a hook and one of his teammates banks a goal in off of his skate. I really don't think that should even count.

I don't know what Jochen Hecht's goal looked like because I straight up did not watch, nor did I seek out "highlights." Once it was 4-1, I gave the Sabres the proverbial middle finger and watched House instead.

Whatever. Fuck them. I'm here to offer my list of suggestions for an interesting conclusion to the season while we wait for the World Championships to start.

  • Lindy, put all the players' names in a hat and assign positions at random. Perhaps my dream of a top line of Mikael Tellqvist, Henrik Tallinder and Andrew Peters can finally be realized, with Chris Butler in net and Sabretooth dressed as our back up.
  • Lindy, once you're finished with that hat, wear it during the game. Might I suggest this one:
  • Three legged skating. Think about it, let me know
  • Fill the penalty box with live and very unhappy scorpions. THAT will keep them out of there.
  • If, for some reason, someone decides they still need to take a penalty, can you do my taxes while you're in there?
  • Everyone use absurdly illegal hockey sticks. Royzie, here's yours:

That's a $200 fine, pleaseandthanks

  • Wear figure skates. I hear they're way more uncomfortable than hockey skates. Compensate with a few nifty jumps. I think Tallinder and Pommer would look pretty bad ass doing this maneuver:

What NOW, Jeff Carter?!
  • In addition to figure skates, wear this former Kings' alternate jersey:

If this jersey is good enough for Wayne Gretzky, its good enough for Adam Mair

  • Bring up Tyler Myers from Kelowna. Why the hell not? Let's get Luke Adam up here at the same time. What's the worst that can happen? We lose? We'll do that anyway!
  • Implement a "pants optional" policy for post game interviews. We probably won't be able to see this, but we'll know. Oh, we'll know. This does NOT apply for interviewers, Paul Hamilton. Take your inspiration from Ron Hextall:

  • Sorry about that video.
  • Allow me to be head coach for the night. I can see it now: seven minute shifts, constant and inexplicable shuffling of the lines, Maxim Afinogenov covering the point on the power play, repeated goalie switches (on the fly) and lots of meaningless and overly emphatic hand gestures. Also, I'm not very tall, so I probably won't be able to see over most of your heads. So duck or let me stand behind Derek Roy all the time. Or I'll just sit on Andrew Peters' shoulders. That'll totally work for the duration of a game.
  • Instead of scouting the other team with video. Watch D2: The Mighty Ducks. They managed to win, learn from them.
  • Once we're losing by 3 or more goals AGAIN, someone pull a Ned Braden:

Jaro, I'm lookin' at you

  • Everytime the other team is about to score, toss sex toys on the ice
  • Turn off the lights and play in the dark with spelunking helmets:

spiffy, no?

  • Instead of shooting t-shirts out of that gun-thingy, shoot everyone a refund for their tickets/third jersey/beer tab/lifelong commitment
  • Instead of the anthems, Derek Roy has to sing "Can't Find a Better Man"(I totally stole your video, Rach) while Tim Connolly does the worm:

  • Give everyone tickets to watch you all play at the World Championships in Switzerland this summer. It'll be super fun! I don't know who will write the blog for Team USA though, because Adam Burish will be IN THE PLAYOFFS.
I hope you'll take time to consider my proposal. I would really like to be entertained the rest of this season. Thanks!

If none of those can be made to happen, how about WINNING A FEW DAMN GAMES THAT MEAN SOMETHING?!



  1. Wear figure skates. I hear they're way more uncomfortable than hockey skates. Compensate with a few nifty jumps

    This is hockey, not Junior Pairs, '82! :)

    And who would be the first one to have issues with the toe pick?

    Heaven help me, I can actually see Roy-Z wearing that Kings jersey. It looks like something he would have in his closet.

  2. Yo, the cameraman totally got a nice shot of Hextall's junk.

  3. OK seriously that guys totally naked and he never even flinched... is that completely normal? It can't be now because there is women in the locker rooms now right?

  4. I believe the spelunking helmets would be a nice touch and instead of hockey they could play flashlight tag with the goal being home base and to get immunity you have to get the puck in the goal.

  5. I like the 'pants optional' idea. They would get so much traffic on the websites, it would be ridiculous!

  6. Once we're losing by 3 or more goals AGAIN, someone pull a Ned Braden:


    Also, I've definitely watched that video of Derek singing WAY too much.

  7. That's some good stuff, Anne.

    Also: there is NOTHING normal about Ron Hextall. It needed to be said.


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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller Shutout" - A 58 minute, multi-goal shutout lead that is blown when Miller allows one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes. Because Butter Snap pretzels, like the Carolina Hurricanes, are disgusting
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Oscar - Anne's cat

Because it's never not funny

Completely adorable