GAH! SHUT UP!

by Anne

I am just about sick enough of hearing about how Hamilton so god damn deserving of an NHL team.

Hamilton, Ontario deserves an NHL team. HOWEVER, the city is no more deserving of an NHL team that Quebec, Winnipeg, Kansas City, Halifax, Saskatoon or any other city where people watch hockey. Hamilton is also not more deserving than Buffalo or Toronto, in spite of what their elected officials might have you think.

Hamilton councilman Sam "Desperate" Merulla wants a statement from the Sabres, supporting a team in Hamilton... OR ELSE! The "or else" is that he will urge Hamiltonians to boycott the Sabres until they give him what he wants.

The citizens of the City of Hamilton, regardless of if they want this new NHL team, regardless of if they would break their allegiance to the Sabres or Maple Leafs, are supposed to "band together" and boycott the Sabres and Maple Leafs if the two teams do not issue statements supporting a team in Hamilton. That's what Mr. Merulla apparently thinks is the best tactical maneuver. Otherwise, he'll go with childish pouting and tantrum-throwing if he doesn't get what he wants.

Hamilton falls right in between Toronto and Buffalo geographically, and therefore, both teams have some claim to the fans and potential revenue in that city. I'm sure there are fans of both teams currently residing in Hamilton, living as outsiders, cast away by Sam Merulla's iron fist of justice.

By bringing in a new team, both the Sabres and Maple Leafs would feel some kind of repercussion. Would it be to the level that the Sabres would fold and relocate? I'm not an expert on the economics of the NHL, but I don't think so. Reportedly only 20% of the Sabres season ticket holders are Canadian, not necessarily from Hamilton.

There are ways in which a team in Hamilton could be helpful to the Sabres. Maybe it would force the team to start treating their fans better, give their fans more of what they're looking for, enter the 21st century in terms of the kind of technology that's used and the kind of features that we're given. Maybe by some act of GOD it will make the Sabres create a SCOUTING department again. I'm not sure how the two are related but maybe, just maybe, it will make an impact on their thick skulls.

However, Mr. Merulla, this is a BUSINESS. ADDITIONAL COMPETITION IS NOT NECESSARILY GOOD FOR A BUSINESS. I know we'd all like to sit around and pretend that players, management, coaches and owners are all just in it for the love of the sport but that would be completely naive to assume that. A team in Hamilton will infringe upon some of the Sabres and Maple Leafs' revenue possibilities, possibly costing the teams millions of dollars in lost revenue. Therefore, regardless of a love of rivalry or gamesmanship, there is no way, even if the Sabres actually issue a statement, that they want a team that close to them that will take away some of their revenue.

Mr. Merulla appears to just be attempting to stir the waters to fuel his own agenda. This team and this boycott seem to just be a tool Mr. Merulla is using to further some agenda. He is a self-proclaimed "crusader" who appears to verbally abuse his fellow council members in the name of the people of Hamilton. He even calls himself "the Shark." Wow, just buy a Hummer and call it a day, sir.

People of Hamilton, our cities have always gotten along, many of your citizens are life-long Sabres fans and we know that won't change with a new NHL team. For those of you searching for a hometown NHL team, I hope, for your sake that you get a team. Its not your fault that Jim Balsillie is (allegedly) attempting to illegally circumvent the NHL's rules to move a team to your city. You deserve this team, you don't deserve this firestorm of childishness and boys who need to just get out a ruler and stop trying to push each other around to see who's more of a man.

Also, Ward 4, don't re-elect Sam Merulla, he's making you look bad.

How can you trust a man with that hair?

The One Where Anne Loses Her Cool

by Anne

Now I'm back to being pissed off. I was sad for a hot minute and wrote my crying emoticon about it but now I'm done. I'm over it. I'm mad again.

You can all go write your "less than-slash-three" broken heart things and I'll be over here acknowledging with full gusto that the Buffalo Sabres organization is pathetic and I'm sad to admit that I'm a fan and even sadder to admit that I write a blog about the S.S. Buffalo FAILShip

When you think about the team as individual people it's hard to rip them apart with full force. Players are supposed to play for the logo on the front and I will treat them as such. I'm a fan of the team and the city the logo represents, the players are just cogs in a very broken-down machine.

We had two stellar seasons between 2005 and 2007. That was fucking great. We won the President's Trophy. That was fucking sweet. Then they crapped the bed against Ottawa and we've been in a pathetic shame spiral of whiny finger-pointing and shoulder shrugging since then.

Those two fantastic seasons from 2005-2007 were the only two seasons we've made the playoffs since 2001. We missed the playoffs in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2008 and now, 2009. That's pathetic. How is that ok? Why is ownership okay with this? Why? WHY. Tell me WHY. I demand to know WHY this is apparently OK.

I want change. I'm fed up with this. I'm not sorry they missed the playoffs, hopefully by some act of GOD this means something will change. Will we get change? No, of course not. We'll get more bullshit conservative action from management and be forced to accept basically the exact same team next season and they will be EXACTLY as successful as they were this season.

Where are the excuses this time around, gentlemen? There aren't any? EXACTLY.

In 2007-2008 the stand-by excuses were "No real leadership" "Players filling out new roles." blah blah blah. Well in 2008-2009 we had a captain, a clear-cut leader who perhaps was ineffective. Was Craig Rivet a bad pick-up? I don't think so but he certainly didn't spark this team. These "new roles?" No longer new. Jason Pominville has 20 goals? Jochen Hecht is garbage, he's been AWFUL this season. Patrick Lalime was mostly awful while Miller was out, Tallinder had more terrible giveaways and moments of just pathetic defensive play than I'd care to think about. Toni Lydman took the world's most untimely penalties during several games this season, and they were just soft. There's no grit. I'd rather have that second round pick we gave up for Dominic Moore than have his "contributions" from the last month. One goal. One. He has a decent faceoff % but that's about it. Wow. Effing great. I'm fucking inspired by this team. I adore Teppo but this needs to be his last season. Please retire.

Fuck this attachment Buffalo has with Lindy Ruff too. I think highly of Lindy Ruff as an individual. He's a wonderful human being. You know who else is a great human being? Oprah. But I don't want her to coach my hockey team. I don't understand why Buffalo is all "stay the course" with this crap. This team STILL hasn't recovered from losing Briere and Drury. That is a problem. In my opinion, a coaching problem.

Last night's win sucked. It was the worst 5-1 victory I've ever experienced because it was COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. Where was this effort last week? Last month? THE LAST TWO SEASONS? For the HOT MINUTE before the Rangers won, it was fun, but every one of those goals felt like a swift kick to the stomach because in the end THEY MEANT NOTHING.

When we missed the playoffs last season I was sad but had hope for this year. I don't have hope for next season. I fully expect us to be a draft lottery team next year and I'm not saying that to be sensationalist, that's how optimistic these last two seasons have made me.

I hate that I've made hockey so damn important to me and this bunch of losers and ne'er-do-wells matters to me so much.

"I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

Its That Time Again

by Anne

Last year 'round about this time, I un-pushed the panic button and reached a level of complacency I did not know I possessed in regards to the Buffalo Sabres pathetic shame spiral out of playoff contention.

I think my un-push is earlier than last season, actually.

Around this time last year, things were so bad Michael Funk was called up for more than one game. Michael. Funk. The Funky. Chicken.

Mike Weber was our one clinging hope for the playoffs.

I'm not even going to factor in goaltending, because that's not completely why we lost last night.

It is quite difficult to win games when our first goal is scored my Maxim Afinogenov flailing about wildly next to the post like a worm on a hook and one of his teammates banks a goal in off of his skate. I really don't think that should even count.

I don't know what Jochen Hecht's goal looked like because I straight up did not watch, nor did I seek out "highlights." Once it was 4-1, I gave the Sabres the proverbial middle finger and watched House instead.

Whatever. Fuck them. I'm here to offer my list of suggestions for an interesting conclusion to the season while we wait for the World Championships to start.

• Lindy, put all the players' names in a hat and assign positions at random. Perhaps my dream of a top line of Mikael Tellqvist, Henrik Tallinder and Andrew Peters can finally be realized, with Chris Butler in net and Sabretooth dressed as our back up.

• Lindy, once you're finished with that hat, wear it during the game. Might I suggest this one:

• Three legged skating. Think about it, let me know

• Fill the penalty box with live and very unhappy scorpions. THAT will keep them out of there.
  

• If, for some reason, someone decides they still need to take a penalty, can you do my taxes while you're in there?

• Everyone use absurdly illegal hockey sticks. Royzie, here's yours:

That's a $200 fine, pleaseandthanks

• Wear figure skates. I hear they're way more uncomfortable than hockey skates. Compensate with a few nifty jumps. I think Tallinder and Pommer would look pretty bad ass doing this maneuver:

What NOW, Jeff Carter?!

• In addition to figure skates, wear this former Kings' alternate jersey:

If this jersey is good enough for Wayne Gretzky, its good enough for Adam Mair

• Bring up Tyler Myers from Kelowna. Why the hell not? Let's get Luke Adam up here at the same time. What's the worst that can happen? We lose? We'll do that anyway!
  

• Implement a "pants optional" policy for post game interviews. We probably won't be able to see this, but we'll know. Oh, we'll know. This does NOT apply for interviewers, Paul Hamilton. Take your inspiration from Ron Hextall:
  

• Sorry about that video.
  

• Allow me to be head coach for the night. I can see it now: seven minute shifts, constant and inexplicable shuffling of the lines, Maxim Afinogenov covering the point on the power play, repeated goalie switches (on the fly) and lots of meaningless and overly emphatic hand gestures. Also, I'm not very tall, so I probably won't be able to see over most of your heads. So duck or let me stand behind Derek Roy all the time. Or I'll just sit on Andrew Peters' shoulders. That'll totally work for the duration of a game.

• Instead of scouting the other team with video. Watch D2: The Mighty Ducks. They managed to win, learn from them.

• Once we're losing by 3 or more goals AGAIN, someone pull a Ned Braden:

Jaro, I'm lookin' at you

• Everytime the other team is about to score, toss sex toys on the ice

• Turn off the lights and play in the dark with spelunking helmets:

spiffy, no?

• Instead of shooting t-shirts out of that gun-thingy, shoot everyone a refund for their tickets/third jersey/beer tab/lifelong commitment
  

• Instead of the anthems, Derek Roy has to sing "Can't Find a Better Man"(I totally stole your video, Rach) while Tim Connolly does the worm:
  

• Give everyone tickets to watch you all play at the World Championships in Switzerland this summer. It'll be super fun! I don't know who will write the blog for Team USA though, because Adam Burish will be IN THE PLAYOFFS.

I hope you'll take time to consider my proposal. I would really like to be entertained the rest of this season. Thanks!

If none of those can be made to happen, how about WINNING A FEW DAMN GAMES THAT MEAN SOMETHING?!

Thanks!