Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm Too Sexy for The Playoffs

by Anne

All this talk of actual "Hockey" has gotten me all flustered.

Honestly, when did I become such a boy and spend so much of my time focusing on facts, statistics and the like?

This watching of other teams has left me all a twitter. Am I cheating on my Sabres? Does Jaro go home at night, saddened because I spend more time gazing at Gary Roberts being all swaggery and tough in Pittsburgh than I do at his perfectly cubic head?

Does Staffy know that I nearly wept when Zachy lost his toofers? Don't worry Drew! I would totally be the first on the ice with a glass of milk to collect your destroyed teeth in hopes of their salvation. Only if I could wear gloves, though. I love you, Staffers, but I don't really want to touch your recently departed teeth with my bare hands.

Max is rumoured to be on the tradeblock. It's no secret that I'm no fan of Maxy. He's just not as good as he was last year, he probably wants out of Buffalo, and, most importantly, his presence is seriously dragging down the average sexiness of the team.

The team's sexiness got a serious boost in February when we dumped Big Red and acquired Big Bear. It also got a serious boost when Kalinin was injured and Mike "Doof" Weber came on board. His roster photo is hysterically vacant in expression, but he has those sexy, "I will melt the ice with the intense laser gaze I use to intimidate my opponents" eyes. All in all, with the departure of the pasty midget (Danny Briere) and the dorky hamster (w/o playoff beard Chris Drury) this team's sexiness is on the rise.

There is no place for Maxim Afinogenov or Dmitri Kalinin on a team this wrought with sex appeal.

There are many kinds of sexy on this team.

For example, Ryan Miller is totally not my type, however, I feel his presence gives this team a hint of "could snap at any moment" sexy.

There's also the "You're probably a total jerk, but I'd probably sleep with you anyway." sex appeal of Drew Stafford, Ales Kotalik and Tim Connolly.

My personal favorite kind of sexy is the: "Aw shucks, guys, I'm tryin' my best, I sure am glad you like it." kind of sexy brought to the Sabres by Jason Pominville, Danny Pie-YAY, and Jochen Hecht.

Then there's the "I'm tough, but here's my softer side." appeal of Paul Gaustad, Adam Mair, Pat Kaleta and Jaro Spacek.

The reverse is also true, and is also my other favorite kind of sexy: The "I may be sweet but I'll totally kick your ass" sexy of Nolan Pratt, Derek Roy, Steve Bernier (who? don't you mean BIG BEAR?)and Henrik Tallinder. With Derek Roy, its more like "I want to kick your ass but I'm tiny, so I'll take a diving penalty instead."

Don't forget the "Come on, now! How can you NOT love me?", unusually inexplicable appeal of players like Toni Lydman, Nathan Paetsch, Mike Ryan and Andrew Peters.

Then there's Teppo. Teppo gets his own category for just being all-around TOTALLY AWESOME. The smirk! The hair! The heart condition! He's totally prime material.

Um, ok. I casually forgot to mention a few players, but that's because they're just not sexy or need to earn their way back to being sexy...Thomas Vanek... I still loves ya.

I look forward to tracking this team's overall Sexy to Grody ratio during the off-season.


  1. I've taken the less professional root of putting up girly pictures.

    Nice choice of song. I'm too sexy for my shirt...

  2. Loved this post, Anne!

    There are moments when I feel like I'm cheating on my boys. Like when I gush about Sid's adorable attempt at a beard, and I feel like I should only be saying those things about Pommers. Or when I melt at Iggy's smile when that should be reserved only for Goose and Yo-Yo's pearly whites.

    I have to agree with your analysis of the sexiness of the Sabres. They are each bringing sexy back in their own ways.

    My favorite type of sexy has to be the "I'm a big bad hockey player but you can bring me home to mom" sexy, which seems to incorporate so many of them...Goose, Pommers, Bear, Pie-Yay, Kaleta, Yo-Yo...

    I also think Ryan gives the team a kind of "intellectual sexiness," and Thomas gives off a very unpredictable "you might love me; you might hate me" kind of sexiness.

  3. YO where is my contribution to this "sexy" conversation?!?!?! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT



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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller Shutout" - A 58 minute, multi-goal shutout lead that is blown when Miller allows one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes. Because Butter Snap pretzels, like the Carolina Hurricanes, are disgusting
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Oscar - Anne's cat

Because it's never not funny

Completely adorable