Thursday, January 10, 2008

School-yard Antics or How to Motivate a Losing Team

Ok so Lind-o's tried: pulling Millsey (with moderate success), starting T-BO tonight, scratching Patches,dressing Pratt, playing Kaleta and the Grizz and bowling to motivate his team. Here I offer my humble suggestions as Mistress of Sabretooth Manor to revive our beloved house team:

1. Dress the Soviet Bomber in Millsey's equipment, (better leave the mask on the whole time, and mess up an eyebrow...or 2) and hide him on the bench. Then, secretly dress Millsey in Goose's jersey and let him wreak the offensive havoc we all know is in him! Take out some Heatleys and some Neils on the way to the net, and get one in on Volchenkov for Pie-yay. Actually, leave Volchenkov to Kaleta, he's got it covered.

2. Have James Patrick dressed as Sabretooth behind the bench. Now who would see THAT coming? Not Jason Spezza. Although that large foam head might make calling out to players difficult...better yet, have Goose dressed as Sabretooth and lead the team in a rousing game of musical sticks during stoppages in play.

3. Send Roysie into the Senators' equipment room with a nail file and saw all of their sticks almost all the way through. One good shot on net and it's splintersville. What do you mean they check the sticks before they use them? Poppycock, I have faith in Roysie.

4. Secretly replace the Senators' Gatorade with Polyjuice potion and turn them all into Ruben Studdard.

5. Make every player who registers a -# on the game walk back to their skates.

6. Two words: Zamboni. Races.

7. Inform them that the Ladies of Sabretooth Estate will be at the game on Saturday and they will be highly displeased if they are watching a losing game.

8. For the love of GOD don't tell them about this article.

In all seriousness, this game is a must-win for this hockey club. I know that phrase gets tossed around by sportscasters and sportswriters constantly, but it really has never been more true for a Buffalo Sabres' regular season game. The last time we lost 8 in a row I was in the midst of rehearsing for my high school's production of Godspell. That was a dark time in my life, I'd like to not be able to draw any parallels to it today.

After playing a solid game against New Jersey and being rousted by that saucy minx, Martin Brodeur, the Sabres are looking solid to take tonight's match-up. There's a flu bug going around the Sens' dressing room and the team must be more focused on their matchup against the Wings this weekend than they are on the Sabres. We need to capitalize on that. They've probably written us off as being not worth the time to watch the tape. But, being from Buffalo, I can't show too much faith in my team, at most I can remain cautiously optimistic.

I can, however, make pointless digs at our opposition.

Like, for real, Ottawa?:

Tyra Banks called, she wants her weave back.

Don't even TRY to take away Buffalo's thunder at having the world's greatest large cat mascot of all time. That's right take a bow, Toothy:

Although, I do have to hand it to the Predators and their dentally-hygenic mascot, Gnash, Toothy's distant bluish-tinted cousin and the wacky story that accompanies his existence:

Anticipate one day a full run-down of the greatest sports mascots of the day. I do have a favorite, but I'll keep it to myself. Of course my favorite of all time is Sabretooth, but this favorite mascot competition will be without Sabretooth, as he is undisputed champion of my mascot-loving heart.


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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller Shutout" - A 58 minute, multi-goal shutout lead that is blown when Miller allows one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes. Because Butter Snap pretzels, like the Carolina Hurricanes, are disgusting
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Oscar - Anne's cat

Because it's never not funny

Completely adorable