Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ryan Miller is a retired greyhound

by Anne

Have you ever seen or encountered a greyhound (not a bus) that has retired from racing and then been adopted?

Well, I have. The best way I can describe "Phinn" (I think that's how you spell it) is very quiet and very bony.

He's eerily quiet and sudden noises tend to freak him out. He has a little cloth holder for the tags on his collar so they don't make noise. If you remove said tag holder so the tags jingle, he totally bugs out and runs around the room like his tail's been lit on fire. When he goes outside he breaks into crazy sprints, whipping around the yard like he's back on the dog track. Othersie, he mostly just sits near whoever's home and stares at them intensely. This is unsettling at best. In my personal experience, if a dog is totally still, staring continuously at something, he's about to attack it. Watch when one dog approaches another, after they sniff each other and just before they tear each other limb from limb, there's a definite pause and stare, a "calm before the storm" if you will.

My sister, known to those in this blog as MK or Mary Kate (I call her Loser) has made an excellent observation: Ryan Miller is EXACTLY like a retired greyhound.

He works his bony bum off for an entire season, each game pushing his body and mind to limits it can only take for so long. Then, after games, when all is said and done, he is creepily quiet in interviews, barely raising his voice to a level most would consider appropriate for a normal conversation. He doesn't move much, and when he does it's pretty slow. He has those wonky intense eyes that rarely blink. How many times have we all watched Crunchy in an interview and wondered if this loss was the one that finally pushed him over the edge and he's going to snap, burn down HSBC Arena and move out into the woods somewhere to "find himself"?

The similarities are uncanny.


Left: Creepy Dog
Right: Crazy Man

How do we cope with this ever-present threat of Ryan Miller's iminent breakdown?

Well, let's take a lesson from Phinn: Control sudden, irritating disturbances (like defensive breakdowns), let him run around a lot, let him follow you around and sleep in your bed and feed him a lot. Repeat until dog man retires from hockey, then let him just go whacko.

1 comment:

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller Shutout" - A 58 minute, multi-goal shutout lead that is blown when Miller allows one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes. Because Butter Snap pretzels, like the Carolina Hurricanes, are disgusting
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Oscar - Anne's cat

Because it's never not funny

Completely adorable