Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Go big or go home

By Anne

Last night, with no Sabres, Pens, Football or Lacrosse to watch, I decided to take in the North East division "ORIGINAL SIX MATCH UP!" (thank you FSN) between the Bruins and the Habs.

Well, I tuned in literally 16 seconds late and it was already 1-0 Habs. Good thing Alex Auld wasn't my goaltender for last night in my Mr. Zero team. Tonight I picked Luongo (fingers crossed). Anyway, I watched as the Habs just completely ran (ok, well, skated) all over the Bruins. It wasn't a game, it was a beating. Auld was pulled after 1 and then Tim Tom still let in 4 more. (Looking forward to the All-Star Game Tim Tom? Heh? Heh?) When all the fighting broke out, it looked very much like the Sabres / Thrashers game. Clearly the losing team is embarrassed and decides they have to show that they're still tough, so they decide that if they can't score goals, they'll at least attempt to beat the living crap out of someone.

After a while, I found myself wandering onto my computer and listening to the game instead of actually watching it. What I soon realized is that you don't even have to be looking at the screen to know when Zdeno Chara is touching the puck, the crowd's booing will tell the story. I also knew when a big hit had been laid on him by the crowd's cheers. Why does everyone in Montreal hate Zdeno Chara so much? I mean, I only like the guy because he's a total freak of nature and he looks like a 17 year old in a peewee game, but did he do something personal to the Habs? I must investigate, I know staggeringly little about Zdeno Chara other than he has the active player record for hardest shot (100.4 mph), he's 6'9" and they had to make an exception to the stick length restrictions for him to be able to play. His hockey stick is probably taller than I am.

Investigation (good old Wikipedia) confirms suspicions that he has never played for the Habs, so perhaps it is because he used to be a Senator? I recall the lad in the '06 playoffs being effing terrifying.

I'm happy (?) to report that Ottawa lost yet again. This news would be more exciting to those of us who inhabit SabreNation if the Sabres were anywhere near catching up to Ottawa in the standings. Sadly, the Habs and Bruins are firmly wedged in between and don't appear to be budging anytime soon. Oh yeah, and the Sabres can't seem to win to save their ever loving minds.

Ilya Kovalchuk was all over intermission reports last night with his nasty hit on some Ranger. The Ranger wasn't the focus of the story, I'll look his name up later. Oh yeah, it was Rozsival.

Side note: In my search to find out which player Kovalchuk leveled, I came across this photo. I don't know if it actually is Ilya Kovalchuk but I really want it to be, so I'm posting it.

Sexy, no?

Dear Ilya, the Thrashers are having a tough enough time scoring goals even with you on the ice (cough 5 game goal-less streak cough), so perhaps earning a game misconduct and being evicted is not the best maneuver. Think about it the next time you're about to hit a Ranger from behind. Love, Anne.
Even though, yes, Chris Osgood is an excellent goal tender, should a shut out of the Kings really have earned him a star of the night? It's the KINGS. Detroit #1, Los Angeles #30. It hardly seems fair. did their usual "who's hot in the last (insert # of games here)" yesterday. Happily, my beloved Staffy was mentioned more than once on this sheet. Not as being #1, but being the closest Sabre to having anything to smile about it in the last 7 games. Oh Drew, well done.

Does anyone have the feeling that TimmyHo and the Soviet Bomber have been traded but they don't want to tell us? I keep feeling that they're just going to turn up at Atlanta in Thrashers jerseys on the 1st and act like nothing happened. I haven't heard a word about them other than the nightly scratch list in days. Anyone know anything about Mikey Ryan and his eye? Maybe now the boy will wear a visor, or does he already? Yes, according to photos I've found, he does. Damn that must've been some angle that stick was on to hit him that hard. Mikey may be inconsistent but the boy is fast and he at least shoots the puck on net.

You know you must not be in a good way when you're scractched and a defensemen is switched to your position, Andrew Peters. He was probably confusing the hell out of the Coyotes: "What position do you play, exactly?" They were probably expecting him to turn up in net in the 3rd. Now no one would've seen that one comin' Lind-o. Here's a sign that a game did not go well: the only players with a + are Kalinin and Pratt. Ouch.

In cause you weren't sure, the biggest story in the history of recorded time is that Our Savior, Sid the Kid is out for the next 6-8 weeks, basically most of the rest of the regular season. Ouch. He can't even keep up his conditioning, as he'll be hobbling in a boot for the time being. Funny how Tom Brady gets a high ankle sprain and bounces back seemingly instantly and Sid the Kid gets one and is laid up for 2 months.

Poor Sidney. He's sure to be incredibly bored these days, having no interests outside of hockey and the Penguins. So, I've decided to help him out by offering a few suggestions of things to keep him occupied in his convalesence:
  • Plan your next vacation. Let's not lie to ourselves, Sid, you don't go anywhere where there isn't hockey...we'll call Sweden and tell them you're coming. Mid-June sound good? Great.

  • Pamper yourself. Take long bubble baths, listen to soothing music. Be sure to take good care of your left foot - plenty of pedicures and pumice scrubs. We don't want Lefty to rebel as Righty did and stick to the boards, treat him well.

  • Work on improving your bubble hockey game. We all know you have one of them at home, you said so yourself:

  • Also in that interview, you revealed your affinity, nay your necessity, for custom made jeans. Work on designing your own line of denim for large-tushed hockey players, young and old.

  • Keep up morale by playing NHL 2K8 as the Penguins v. Which ever team you happen to be playing next. Take notes on individual player performance to mention at the next practice.

  • Catch up on your Oprah. A word of caution: Stock up on kleenex before you make this endeavor. Trust me, Sid, it may take time to understand everything she says, as she doesn't generally talk about hockey but, eventually, with her obscene and excessive giving, she will worm your way into your hockey heart. Yes, Sid, she really is buying that family a house and putting all 9 children through college and buying everyone in the audience a Lexus. Oprah's a giver, she gives.

  • Catch up on your hockey blogs. Chuckle at the witty banter of fans around the NHL. Start with Pens Blogs and move out throughout the division into the rest of the Eastern Conference. Hey Sid! Thanks for stopping by!

  • Take up an instrument but one that allows you to sit slumped on a couch. Start with learning "My Heart Will Go On" on the tin whistle and work your way up from there.

  • Perfect the art of one legged skating. Market the idea to Reebok, make millions.

  • Work on your Sid the Kid magazine cover scrapbooks. Index them by most to least amount of hockey gear worn in each photo.

  • Organize your interview DVDs by date order and level of awkward cuteness exuded (see above)

  • Crank call Alexander Ovechkin at 3:48 a.m. Every day. Ask Malkin for some Russian phrases to toss at him.

  • Learn all the words to "End of the World" by REM.

  • Take up knitting and start knitting "sockey hats" for Ryan Miller's Steadfast Foundation.

  • Once you accept your OprahLove, read her entire bookclub list from start to finish. Remember to hang onto the aforementioned tissues. You'll be needing them. "Yes Marquez! I could wait 50 years for love!"

So, Sidney, we at Sabretooth's house wish you a speedy recovery and hope you don't try to go at it too soon. Remember, you can always call me to chat if you're bored. I spend most of my day at work staring at a computer screen pretending to work anyway, so the interruption might actually make me look like I was doing more work.

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Almost all pictures are borrowed from other sources. If they're yours and you don't want me to use them, just shoot me an email and I'll take them down.

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller Shutout" - A 58 minute, multi-goal shutout lead that is blown when Miller allows one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes. Because Butter Snap pretzels, like the Carolina Hurricanes, are disgusting
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Oscar - Anne's cat

Because it's never not funny

Completely adorable